


Weight Of The World

by PoisonLuna



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Airmed Kihyun, Alternate Universe - Mythology, Alternate Universe - Witchcraft, Banshee Hyungwon, Banshees, Blood Magic, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Carman Minhyuk, Celtic Mythology & Folklore, Childhood Trauma, Death Rituals, Dian Cecht, Dian Cecht Jooheon, Drug Addiction, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, Ecne Shownu, Exorcisms, Explicit Consent, Fae & Fairies, Fantastic, Farmer Shownu, Healer Jooheon, Insomnia, Jötunn Wonho, Major Character Injury, Major Original Character(s), Mentions of Myth & Folklore, Multi, Murder, Murder-Suicide, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Mythology References, Norwegian Mythology & Folklore, Other, Pagan Gods, Paganism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Psychological Trauma, Rituals, Satan Changkyun, Seelie Court, Seelie Wonho, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Trauma, Violence, Wise Shownu, Witch Minhyuk, Witchcraft, Witches, doctor Kihyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:42:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26569747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoisonLuna/pseuds/PoisonLuna
Summary: In a little town called "Newton" everyone live with their dirty little secrets. Will they be able to fight for what they believe or will they be stuck here forever?A banshee, senses all the death, the blood, the guilt. It eats him up alive, knowing his brothers are suffering, some of them causes all this suffering. Will he be able to change their faith? He's looking for a miracle. What if there's someone else knows it all these secrets too? Someone who's always one step ahead of him..."Tell me your lies. Let your secrets hypnotize. 'Cause the light will never shine on this heart of mine and all the love we sacrificed... Look at all of the damage you have done in time. If you look in my heart you will find no love, no light, no end inside and I'm looking for a miracle."
Kudos: 16





	1. Fragile

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! Here's my first attempt on writing an English fan fiction. I'm not native in English so if I make any grammar or content mistake please let me know.  
> I just want you to know that I love all members equal. This work only depends on my imagination. Hope you like my first work!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself when I look through to the mirror. Think I'm getting mad. This thing is torture. After all the things he have done to me, now I'm stuck with what's left of him. His voice, his hands, the scars he gave to me tingles my body and my brain. Every night I'm waking up with fear and screams. I know he can't hurt me anymore. Still, I'm screaming with agony because of the thing I've done to him.
> 
> Chapter Warnings  
> Sexual abuse  
> Drug use  
> Abuse  
> Character death  
> Murder  
> Violence  
> Physical abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Here's my first attempt on writing an English fan fiction. I'm not native in English so if I make any grammar or content mistake please let me know.  
> I just want you to know that I love all members equal. The ages of members are not the same with their current ages. This fic is just based on my imagination. I know that they're not like how I represent them. It may be triggering for some people so make sure you read all the warnings at the beginning of the work. Hope you like my first work!
> 
> *Larkspur is the flower in All In MV. It's also called blue delphinium. In mythology and the uses of larkspur in witchcraft, these flowers actually have protective and healing properties. In Greek mythology, larkspur sprung from the blood of Ajax. It was used to heal and protect those on the battlefield, and is apparently suitable for spells related to the protection, comfort, and care of soldiers and other ‘hero types.’ It’s also deemed appropriate for rituals to honor the heroic dead. Larkspur can also cause hallucinations and euphoria. It can be addictive and poisonous.

_**-Shownu-** _

__

It was one these days when he found himself praying and staring at the clock. He can't sleep, not yet. When clock hit the 1 a.m he hid under his bed again like it was a shield for him. He knew that it won't save him from his father's rage. He heard the footsteps approaching him again. He held his breath. There he is tugging at his son's shirt and throwing him on the bed sheets. He came close to Shownu's ear and said "Be a good boy to save your mother." He felt his breath hitching and tears pooling in his eyes. He had no choice but to be quiet. He convinced himself that was the only way to keep his paralyzed mother safe. He knew that if he resists, this man would give him an unbearable pain and wounds. So he closed his eyes and prayed for this torture to be over as soon as possible. His father's threatening figure hovered over him and there was no escape from this . Once again, his pure soul was left in pain and disgust. He couldn't even find himself to scream or cry. He sat down and kept praying. He thought that all this praying his mother taught him, would clean his soul, mind and body. The air around him always felt like a cage. He came away to this world with innocence. His father left him with his sins. The cold and the loud and they won't let him sleep. His father bore a hole in his skull, it's true. Tore off his limbs and heart. The heart it's a heavy in the chest...The heavy endless weight on his soul, it's cold.

When you look from afar they looked like the perfect definition of the family which end up tragic with mother being paralyzed. Shownu's father was owner of the farms in Newton. He also owned a larkspur* field. Everyone thought that he's hard working and faithful. It was far from truth. No one knows him like Shownu knows him. Everyone thinks that he grows larkspur to sell them to Dian Cecht for it's healing effects. The truth is, his father was addicted to larkspur. He was addicted to the pleasure and the hallucinations it gave him. The hallucinations were keeping him away from feeling the guilt of what he's doing to his son and what he have done to his wife. Every day he would come home drunk and high. He would beat his wife and son until they bleed, until they pass out and couldn't resist. One day, they waited for him to come home like every other day. When he came home he started yelling at them out of nowhere again like a goddamn near sociopath. He made his way to his wife. He grabbed a handful of hair, and while she started to protest that it hurt, he pulled her towards him. She turned her face away but could feel his breath on her skin as she forcibly pushed him away. When he let go of her hair, he was laughing. She tried to runaway but there was no escape from this hell. He slapped her in the face and she hit her head when she collapsed. She didn't even make a move again. He rushed out of house, shutting the door with a loud crashing. Shownu, who was hiding from his father in his room, ran towards her. She wasn't responding. While tears started rolling down his cheeks, he held her hands, tried to wake her up not wanting to shake her so forcible. He waited for her to make a move until it was morning. He was wasted when she finally opened her eyes slowly. He was still holding her hand "Mom, are you okay? Look me in the eye and tell me that you're okay. Mom please say something, do something. Do you hear me? Please, I'm begging you please." She tried to say something and the truth hit her like a thunderbolt. She couldn't move her lips, couldn't feel her body, couldn't squeeze her son's hand and couldn't say anything. There was no warmness. It felt like her mind was hanging in the air. Shownu saw his mother having difficulty in making a move. "No, no mom, you can't leave me like this, not yet. We're gonna make it out alive together, okay? Please mom, I can't do this without you." He hugged his mother's figure which is still lying on the floor. He couldn't hold his tears anymore while mumbling "Please". 

* * *

It was early in the morning when he heard a muffled cry across his room. He ran to the room where his mother was lying down as usual. This time was different. His mother was crying and her whole body was drenched in sweat. Her eyes were filled with tears and pain. Shownu knelt down next to her bed and held her hand. Even if she can't feel it, she knew that his son was feeling her warmness. Shownu saw the love light in his mother's eyes. Her eyes were telling him that's the time when all this pain will be gone forever. He mumbled to her "He will pay for all the things he done to you and you will rest in peace without being scared of what he could possibly do to us." He didn't have a chance to say more, didn't want to too. His mother closed her eyes. She looked angelic and her soul was finally free from the body that she was prisoner in. The body that his father left to her. He looked at her once again and told himself that it was time to make a move. He gave her mother a peck on her forehead before getting up. The cold he felt on his lips, lingered more than it should. That reminded him of the feelings he felt when his father left him. Soulless and ice cold heart...

He should make this cycle stop. He should come up with an idea. Without knowing that this night will haunt him forever, he gathered his thoughts on what he should say and do. He found a piece of rope and wood in the storeroom. It was the best way to come up with a cover up story, isn't it? His father couldn't bear his wife's death and hung himself while Shownu was sleeping. That was what everyone will think. So he prepared their bedroom. He hung the rope to the chandelier and put a stool underneath it. This time, when the clock hit the 1 a.m, he didn't hide. He waited in front of the door for his father to rush in, drunk and high on larkspur elixir again. He couldn't believe that it was going to be over. He wasn't happy that his mother passed away but he knew that his mother would be happy knowing that no one will suffer anymore. When his father pushed the door, he looked at Shownu with curious and wrathful eyes. It wasn't like everyday. His son stood against him looking fearless while clenching his teeth, before he can even raise his hand, Shownu was quick to hit his father on the head with the piece of wood which he hid behind him. There he was collapsed on the floor with a crash. Shownu quickly dragged his body to the bedroom next to his mother's lifeless body. He tied up his father's wrists and ankles before he wakes up. When Shownu brought himself to put his plan into practice, he poured a bucket of cold water on his father's unconscious figure. He woke up with a gasp then realized he was tied up and lying down his wife. That was the time when he also realized his wife wasn't alive. For the first time in his life, Shownu saw the fear in his father's eyes. For the first time he was afraid of Shownu. "What have you done to her?! Are you out of your damn mind? Did you killed her?!" Shownu chuckled like he's really out of his mind. "You're facing with what you've done to her. Today is the day for you to pay for taking our chance to live a normal life and burying it away with our hearts, our emotions and our soul." He abruptly cupped his father's jaw with a hand and made him look at his mother. "She's beautiful, isn't she? You took away that beauty, the light in her eyes, the warm smile she had. You took everything she had until she was confined to bed." Then he made his father look at him. "It didn't make you stop! You took away my childhood, my pure soul and body until you end up here begging for me to stop. How does it feel? Begging someone to stop because you're too scared... That's what I felt when you came for me. Every day you took away more and more until there's nothing left inside of me. Today I'm going to take away until there's nothing but your lifeless rotten body." His father begged him thousands of time to make him stop. It gave him courage and pleasure, seeing the figure he's always been scared of begging him. Shownu's mind was clouded with rage, he became deaf to everything his father said. There was no turning back. He slipped on the rope to his father's neck. Even in this situation, touching his father with bare hands made him sick. He took a step back and looked at his father. He saw the guilt in his eyes but it wasn't going to make him stop too. It's the time to make all this pain and torture stop, he thought to himself. "Rot in hell." He knocked over the stool with a kick. He didn't even flinch when he saw him struggling to breathe. He finally gave up. Like Shownu said, there was nothing but a lifeless figure hanging from the ceiling. Realization of what he have just done washed over him. He ran over his father to remove ropes from his wrists and ankles. He broke down to his knees and started crying. He was overwhelmed with emotions. Should he feel relieved that it was over? Should he feel guilty because he murdered his father with a cover up story. He didn't know. He just sat down there and waited until the sunrise. 

When the sun shined bright, he felt weak to gather himself to act ruined, like he lost his parents, like he didn't kill his father... He ran outside and made his way to the church. There was the new preacher Im Changkyun who was also living at the back of the church. He looks young and wise, Shownu thought himself. "What brought you here so early in the morning?"

**...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you enjoyed reading the first chapter about Shownu's past life? Also, I want you to know that stroke, spinal cord injury and head injury can cause paralysis. Make sure you leave a comment and give kudos if you liked this chapter. I want to improve my writing skills, so your comments and opinions would be so helpful for me. Love y'all <3


	2. Exile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All this craving in me drives me crazy. Desire for revenge, lust for power... What happens when you see what's hidden inside me? Will you be able to keep yourself safe? You're gonna be knocked out. You used to call me pathetic but when you look at me again in the future, let's see how well you're doing. I'm hunting for love, killing for pleasure. 
> 
> Chapter Warnings  
> Hunting  
> Blood  
> Bullying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I needed some inspiration for this chapter. So sorry for taking so long. Please support and share this au because it's the only motivation for me to keep writing this.
> 
> *Seelies are also known as faeries, or the Fair Folk. Pixies, nixies, and elves are also considered Seelies. They cannot lie, though they use evasive and distraction tactics to avoid directly answering questions they do not want to. They are an extremely manipulative, cunning, and mischievous race of Downworlders, their angel and demon blood attributing to both their beauty and malevolence. 
> 
> *Jötunn (plural Jötnar) are giants in Norse Mythology. They're called giants but in some legends and myths they are described as having the same height as humans. A wild, primal temper, and the ability to berserk easily. Some have excellent self-control, some don't. Their various cultures have boundaries for this racial tendency. They have strong passions in general - high emotions, harsh violent lusts, wild ecstatic joys, loud crude humor, overkill vengeance. They have strong clan and tribal loyalties. 
> 
> *Mead is an alcoholic beverage created by fermenting honey with water, sometimes with various fruits, spices, grains, or hops. The alcoholic content ranges from about 3.5% to more than 18%. The defining characteristic of mead is that the majority of the beverage's fermentable sugar is derived from honey. It may be still, carbonated, or naturally sparkling; dry, semi-sweet, or sweet. Mead was produced in ancient times throughout Europe, Africa and Asia, and has played an important role in the mythology of some peoples. In Norse mythology, for example, the Mead of Poetry was crafted from the blood of the wise being Kvasir and turned the drinker into a poet or scholar.

_**-Wonho-** _

He hated going to school. Everyone there was so cruel towards him. He was too frail for a place like that. "Hey you!" Wonho hesitated to stop but he couldn't let that boy bully him again. So, he quickened his pace towards his father's shop. Then he felt a smack at the nape of his neck. "Yah, is there any freak other than you? You have to look at me when I call you." Wonho kept walking fast then the boy tripped him up. He tried to get up but he was pinned to ground when the boy suddenly jumped over him. He felt every hit from the boy. This time instead of trying to protect himself, Wonho fought back. He never punched anyone like this in his life before. When he got a chance to climb on top of him, he punched harder and faster. The more he hit the boy, the more he made him bleed. He froze in his tracks when blood started dripping from boy's mouth. He would never get this violent. This wasn't him. The boy was looking at Wonho with terrified eyes, like he was eye to eye with the devil. Wonho finally let him go, boy ran away while blood was still dripping everywhere. He was scared of himself too. He couldn't grasp what he just did, what happened to him. He made his way to butcher while tears were welled up on the corner of his eyes. His father was waiting for him outside of the shop as usual. When he realized that his son was sobbing, he rushed towards him and cupped Wonho's cute, swollen face. They entered butcher, closing the door behind them and flipping the "closed" side of the sign. "Son, are you gonna tell me what's wrong? What made you cry?" He was too overwhelmed to look him in the eye but he can't tell anyone but his father. He finally made eye contact with his father but something was off. His father's eyes widened and he shook Wonho's body. He saw the flames burn out in Wonho's eyes. His eyes were amber and violet mixed together. "Tell me what happened?! Did someone hurt you?" His father scratched his head. When he finally calmed down he asked again "Di- did you hurt someone?. He took his time to hear what Wonho was going to tell him. Wonho took a deep breath "Dad, I- I'm scared. I don't know what's gotten inside of me. I wouldn't hurt anyone. It wasn't me dad, I swear I don't know what happened to me."

There was always an aura surrounded him. He was skinny, small and fragile but there was something off about him. He was way too attractive. When you get near him, the power he holds would pull you towards him right away. He didn't realize his power until that day. He didn't know that his mother was a seelie and his father was a jötunn until his father made him realize. He was born half seelie, half jötunn and that was too much to handle for someone. His mother was a beautiful young woman who was always kind and caring. His father was a charming man who was powerful and friendly. Wonho didn't understand why his parents never mentioned who they are. When his father told him about jötnar and his mother told him about seelies he finally understood why they never showed their true colors to other people. He grew up not causing too much trouble and not exposing their family. He was reliable, pure but also cunning and manipulative. He was powerful, energetic but also violent and harsh. That's what made him Wonho. One day he was seelie, the other day he was jötunn. It was so hard for him to deal with who he was. He wanted to take control of himself. He started doing Kumdo. That's when he made a new friend, Shownu. He was always so caring towards Wonho. When he was new boy in the class Shownu always stayed by his side and kept an eye on him. He didn't have a brother but he surely he would call him his brother. When they were practicing again, Shownu wanted to take a break and talk to Wonho. He knew that something was up with him. He would get so violent during some of their practices and Shownu was actually worried about him. "Wonho, I know that you don't like deep conversations but can we talk for sec?" "Yeah, sure if that's what you want." Shownu took a breath and said "I'm worried about you, I know that you can take care of yourself but sometimes it feels like your mind is not here and your rage controls you." Wonho rolled his eyes and tried to avoid Shownu's words. When he wanted to get out of the class, Shownu grabbed his arm "Look at my eyes, I know you can't and never lie. What's up with you?". Wonho yanked his arm from his grip and rushed out of the class. He thought he found a new way to express his emotions, thoughts. He poured all his power but that wasn't enough. It always felt like his blood was boiling. All these years of isolation made him hungry. He started hunting in the forest. It was in his blood, he was tied with nature. He was losing control of who he was while hunting. He wasn't scared of himself anymore but he wanted everyone to be scared of him. He found comfort in hunting and killing. Hearing his prey's screams gave him courage and pleasure. Seeing blood dripping everywhere made him thirsty. He would mix his mead with his prey's blood. These things made him feel untouchable. He was looking for a corner where he can't be found with a god in his eyes. With the venom of his ambition, he sharpened his knife every day but because of his uncontrollable greed, his knife became dull. He never thought that the greed would become the trumpet heralding hell. He have been left out alone like a damn criminal.

* * *

Once upon a heavy night, under the hunter's moon, it was his time to get moving. He prepared his backpack as usual and made sure that no one saw him while he was making his way to forest. He traced the stars and mapped them all to his misery. No days and nights of solitude... He walked with the reaper. Each single light up in the sky all pointed back to Wonho. He can't escape who he is. Peril of desire, sweetest misery... He crossed the waters blackened all before he lost himself again. A deer, still as stone... He slowly grabbed his throwing knife from his pocket. He threw the knife, deer tried to runaway but it was nearly impossible. Wonho knew that he was deadeye. He opened his flask and poured a good amount of blood which was dripping from deers's neck. He took out his other knives to flay deer's skin and eat it's meat. Blood-red and sweet... Mouthful of mead and blood he savoured it and taste the freedom on his lips. In the shadow awaits a desire and the pleasure would just keep on rising It was too late, there was no way around it And heaven knows he tried to steer away from delicious greed. Nothing could still the fire in his heart. His way in this madness, his powers have grown, his chains have been broken. Wonho once had an understanding that everything would go his way but now he have come too far along for him to hold on to his own beliefs. He's not in it for the fun of it but for the pleasure. He've been walking this road of desire, been begging for blood. He didn't care if he was playing with fire. It was the heat that makes him strong. Wonho couldn't hide what lies inside him. A deer, skin to bone, in the forest... Flesh picked on by Wonho. He got up, packed his stuff and followed the moon beam shines bright. He was at the edge of a cliff and he sat down. He laid on his back and watched the stars that guided him and reminded him of his ancestor. He looked up at the stars and started talking to his gods while bringing his flask up to sky which was filled with mead and blood. "In the shadow of Mother Nature, for my sacred gods... It's no wonder we grow strong while humans grow weak. And that's exactly what makes us Jötnar. We'll say goodbye to this miserable life and watch as the world burn. We're in exile but still, I'm calling your name. In the dead of the night, I feel you. I've got nothing left to live for, got no reason yet to die. I'm staring at the sky. No matter what I do, I will survive and I will never be forgotten." He heard footsteps approaching him. He couldn't felt his senses, he just felt the cold all of a sudden. All colors seemed to fade away. He quickly got up to see what's behind him. He couldn't see anyone. Wonho thought he was just being paranoid but then he heard a humming noise from the bushes. He swore that he saw a figure not long before he realized that the figure was getting closer and closer. 

Moonlight illuminated that familiar figure. He was Im Changkyun, the new preacher of their town. "Woah, you really scared me. What are you here for in the middle of night?" Preacher chuckled to himself "What are "you" doing here? I couldn't sleep and came here to pray, is it so weird? Are you here to pray too?" Wonho couldn't tell a lie because he was a seelie after all. He answered in a evasive way like how would seelies answer. "Maybe, what if I'm here to pray too?"

_**...** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter didn't come out like how I planned. Hope you liked it <3


	3. Illuminated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the merciless and dark night, it starts when the moon rises. Nights that always repeat. The sharp crescent moon, the cries of a wolf... When the moon falls asleep the closer you'll get. I warned you. The world you knew from this moment on will disappear. Time will be tangled up. I trust fate more than probability. I put a spell on you. You'll wake up tonight. Scream for help... Forever at the mercy of demons, the shadow will take my hand tonight.
> 
> Chapter Warnings  
> Rituals  
> Witchcraft / Wicca  
> Spell  
> Poison  
> Tarot  
> Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This chapter took so long for me to write. I hope you didn't get bored while waiting. Hope you enjoy and thank you for your supports. Love y'all! <3
> 
> *Runes are the letters in a set of related alphabets known as runic alphabets, which were used to write various Germanic languages before the adoption of the Latin alphabet and for specialized purposes thereafter. The Scandinavian variants are also known as futhark or fuþark. The name comes from the Germanic root run- (Gothic: 𐍂𐌿𐌽𐌰, runa), meaning "secret" or "whisper". In Old Irish Gaelic, the word rún means "mystery", "secret", "intention" or "affectionate love." Similarly in Welsh and Old English, the word rhin and rūn respectively means "mystery", "secret", "secret writing", or sometimes in the extreme sense of the word, "miracle" (gwyrth). Ogham is an older Celtic script from Ireland and Britain, similarly carved in to stone or wood. The root run- can also be found in the Baltic languages, meaning "speech". In Lithuanian, runoti means both "to cut (with a knife)" and "to speak".
> 
> *A Book of Shadows is a book containing religious text and instructions for magical rituals found within the Neopagan religion of Wicca, and in many pagan practices. Numerous associations and traditions have since grown up around the Book of Shadows. Traditionally, "a Witch's book of shadows is destroyed upon death. It can be an experimental practice, every day ritual works or a record of magic. This is also a book of inspiration and can be used in future rituals. The concept of the Book of Shadows has subsequently appeared in popular culture, for instance being used in the American television series Charmed and providing the title of films, musical albums and comics. However, in all these cases it was taken out of its original Wiccan context.

_**-Minhyuk-**_  
  
  
He was always a curious little boy. He was curious about anything and everything. Minhyuk had an adventurous soul. They were cleaning his grandmother's house because she was too old to do chores. He was going to clean the attic, thought it would be fun. He grabbed a ladder and put it directly under the attic door. He climbed on top of the ladder and opened the door. It was dusty and dark in there but still he was ready to find out about his grandmother's cool stuff from her teenage years. He found some old pictures, clothes, hats, books... He made fun of her grandmother's sense of fashion from what he saw on her pictures. Something caught his attention, a carved wooden chest with gilt. He opened it curiously and there was bunch of weird stuff. A dreamcatcher, wood pieces, candles, incenses, natural stones, wooden bowls, herbs, bottles of colorful liquids, a box full of tarot cards, a doll, bones which he assumed animal bones, an old book with black leather cover "The Witch's Book of Shadows" written on it. He straight off opened it and there were bunch of different letters written in it. He found a paper between the pages with symbols again "Runes and Meanings" written on it. "Minhyuk-ah! Aren't you done up there?" Minhyuk took the paper and put it in his pocket. He closed the book and chest. "I'm coming!" He climbed down the ladder. "What took you so long? Did you finished cleaning up?" his mother said while smiling and caressing Minhyuk's head. He smiled to her and said "I found so many exciting and funny stuff of granny but I couldn't finished cleaning up. Can I come again next week?" His mother looked at him while carrying ladder to storeroom "Sure, but if you need help, your brother can come with you to help." Minhyuk started waving his hands gesturing no while smiling "I can handle this by myself, no need to worry!" They finished cleaning up the rest of the house and he hugged his grandmother while leaving "I'll come again next week, okay?" she nodded her head in agreement. They headed home afterwards. When he finally arrived home, he rushed into his room and took the piece of paper out of his pocket. Minhyuk placed it on his table, grabbed his pen and notebook. He had one week until he can learn the alphabet, so he started memorizing the weird symbols.

He came back a week later to "clean up" the rest of the attic. At least that was what everyone was thinking. He gave her grandmother a gentle kiss on her cheek when he saw she was waiting outside for him. He was so excited and worried as well. What if his grandmother realizes that Minhyuk stole his stuff? Minhyuk wouldn't call it stealing that would be so harsh. He would call it borrowing some unnecessary stuff. He immediately got to work, this time he brought a backpack with him to get stuff as much as possible. His grandmother was keeping an eye on him all the time and this made him more nervous. He climbed the ladder and stepped on the attic once again. He cleaned up everywhere not to get attention. When it was time to go he opened the chest and put the book, doll, bottles in his backpack. He made sure that the chest was camouflaged so no one would notice it was there. He got downstairs and saw his grandmother was baking cookies. He was relieved when he made an eye contact with her. "Minhyuk-ah! I made you your favorite cookies. Come, sit on the stools." He felt so warm in his chest. She was caring and full of love towards everyone. He didn't even know how she was in reality. "I finished cleaning up but I can come again if you're feeling lonely." he said with a warm smile while was enjoying homemade cookies. "It's okay, I understand that you've got your own responsibilities. You'll be busier from now on." Minhyuk couldn't quite catch what she was talking about. "Why would I be busier?" he questioned her. "Nothing, just- you are growing up. You know, why would you want to sit all day with an old, boring lady, right?" That made his heart ache a little bit with sadness. She should be feeling really lonely to say these out loud. "Why are you talking like that? You know that I'll be always with you. Also, I enjoy spending time with you and your delicious cookies." he said reaching for her and giving his grandmother a tight hug. When the sun was setting he headed home once again. While he was getting out of the door "Be curious, but be patient and careful with what you've got." she said to him, ruffling his hair. Minhyuk was so confused and lost but when his mind started functioning again, he gave her a smile as an approval and said "Thank you." He wasn't aware of what he was getting into but also was ready for a new adventure. He started reading the book and taking notes everyday. The book had different topics about terminology, divination, wheel of the year, magical rituals, spells, potions and brews, gods and goddesses, elements and directions, tarot spreads, symbols... Minhyuk read every line in the book, took notes and started practicing the things he learned about. He also did spiritual meditations for cleansing his soul and mind. He felt so powerful and settled since he started doing these things. After years of practicing he wanted to perform his magick on real people. At first, he did tarot readings for his friends. What he was saying was always coming true. Actually that made him a little bit scared but also gave him courage. Day by day he was becoming more confident and experienced about his talent. Some people was making fun of him and he thought that he should give them a lesson to not to mess with him. He made rituals for the people he hated. In the pale moonlight, he opened his curtains, lit up the candles and incenses, he put a piece of paper, graveyard mud, bowl full of musk oil, rose thorns on his table... He started with a meditation as usual, followed by mumbling lullabies. He wrote down the names and some words with red ink and folded the paper, sealed it with black seal. He dipped the paper in musk oil while these words spilled from his lips, "Let the earth cover me. Angels will call for me. Bring me the starlight, bring me the sun and moon, release the stars tonight. Now all blood in a hollow heart is stardust. Washed away, like your face drawn in the sand at the edge of the sea is how we end. Thorns remain while flowers fade. Give me your darkest. It's the art of the fall, that comes for each and all. Now it'll come for you.". He pricked his finger with thorn and squeezed out a drop of blood on the paper. Minhyuk lit up the paper with the light of the candles and put it in a bowl, covered the burning paper with mud. A week later everything started to fall apart in other's life because he used black magic on them. That's the time when he realized his power. It was too late to stop this wrath building up inside of him. Once you savor wrath and being untouchable, there was no turning back. He thought if it bleeds it leads.

* * *

He left in the morning with everything he owned, in a little black case, alone on a platform. The wind and the rain, on a sad and lonely face... His mother will never understand why he had to leave, but the answers he seek would never be found at home. No one truly understood why he even came to this small town. Only he got the answer for this, his grandmother told him about everything that she went through in this town when she was a young witch. She was one of the witches who successfully ran away from the tortures they did to witches. Her friends was burned alive, lapidated in front of her eyes. They were living harmless also helping others until that time, when everyone misunderstood their efforts. So she taught Minhyuk about paganism and wicca. She guided him with her knowledge and told him to find someone there. So here he's in his hometown, Newton. He bought himself a little shop with his savings and started living at the back of his shop. He did tarot and hand readings, prepared healing elixirs, made beautiful dreamcatchers, he sold handmade candles and healing crystals, he even gave classes for meditation but no one knew he was also doing curses and black magic. He only did these for his special customers. Someone came to his shop he was short and good looking. He said that he wanted to attend the meditation classes and buy some healing elixirs for his friends. Minhyuk gestured him to get in his office. "Sure Kihyun, you can come here every week for classes but for healing elixirs, your friend should meet me in person. I make it special for everyone." he said while taking papers out of his drawer and writing down "Kihyun". He made an eye contact with him "Soo, when do you have free time?" he said. Kihyun was surprised by the question because he couldn't understand what he was talking about at first, his thoughts were so loud. "I- uh monday, monday is okay I think." Kihyun said. Minhyuk wrote monday under his name. "Okay, I'll be waiting for you in monday class." he said while standing up and reaching out for Kihyun to shake hands but Kihyun didn't make a move. His mind went black but he refused to shake hands. It was too much human contact for Kihyun. Minhyuk was surprised, his lips thinned to a straight line and he shook his own hand. "Guess I'll go then, yeah, bye." Kihyun said and Minhyuk thought "What a weirdo" to himself. Door bell rang again, he opened the door. "Who was him? His face was looking like you tried to kill him." he chuckled while saying this. Minhyuk didn't answer him right away. "Wait- did you tried to kill him? No waayy." he said while grinning. "Of course I didn't tried to kill him. Have you ever seen me killing someone with my bare hands? Definitely not my style Changkyun." He got into his office and Changkyun followed him inside. "So what are you up to? I assume you're not here for my pretty face or any kind of service that I can offer you. Would you like to have a cup of tea with me?" Changkyun nodded in response while sitting down on a chair which is in front of Minhyuk's table. "I found someone, who can work with us. I wanted to get your approval too." Minhyuk came back with two cups of tea made with his own herbs. "Why? Do we need anyone when we have each other?" he said giving one of the cups to Changkyun. "No, not because of that. He's not one of our kind. He's not human, not mortal. Damn- he's so powerful and full of greed. You should've seen him while hunting." Minhyuk tilted his head to side and questioned "Hunting? Like a real hunting we're talking about?" Changkyun nodded again "I'll make him meet you when I can completely trust him. So what are you thinking?"

Minhyuk didn't know what to say but he always trusted Changkyun no matter what. They were together on this lonely and dangerous road. He wasn't afraid of tomorrow if he was by his side. They made it through this far. They saw the flames burn out in each other's eyes. He was way beyond his appearance, only Minhyuk and his grandmother knew that. "I trust your decision but in one condition." Like he was saying "What's that?". Changkyun raised an eyebrow. "Don't let him get between us.". Changkyun got up and got closer to him. He raised his hand to Minhyuk's face and stroked his cheek. "You know, I would never let anyone hurt you, right? You are committed to me." Minhyuk gave him a warm half hearted smile and hugged him tight for a brief moment, said "Yeah, I know."

_**...** _


	4. Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this where I belong? Am I too far gone? I can hear them in my head and I want to get them out. I can hear them in my head getting louder now. So endlessly, these voices keep on calling me to rise. I can't stop them now. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't even think straight. I’m getting ruined in this deep night. Where should I go? Where should I look? All around me, I can only see white faces. Beneath the dark skies, when I cannot see a thing, I should have the courage to run off away to anywhere...
> 
> Chapter Warnings  
> Paranoia  
> Insomnia  
> Anxiety  
> Anorexia Nervosa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I don't know if you know that Kihyun is my bias. So I wanted him to be a mirror of my past life. His chapter will tell you about how I was and what did I go through during my major depression and anxiety. Hope you understand how I felt and don't get affected by these. Enjoy and don't forget to give kudos!
> 
> *Paranoia is an instinct or thought process which is believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of delusion and irrationality. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself. Paranoia is distinct from phobias, which also involve irrational fear, but usually no blame. Making false accusations and the general distrust of other people also frequently accompany paranoia. For example, a paranoid person might believe an incident was intentional when most people would view it as an accident or coincidence. Paranoia is a central symptom of psychosis.
> 
> *Insomnia, also known as sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder in which people have trouble sleeping. They may have difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep as long as desired. Insomnia is typically followed by daytime sleepiness, low energy, irritability, and a depressed mood. It may result in an increased risk of motor vehicle collisions, as well as problems focusing and learning. Insomnia can be short term, lasting for days or weeks, or long term, lasting more than a month.
> 
> *Anxiety is an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior such as pacing back and forth, somatic complaints, and rumination. It includes subjectively unpleasant feelings of dread over anticipated events. Anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing. It is often accompanied by muscular tension, restlessness, fatigue and problems in concentration. Anxiety is closely related to fear, which is a response to a real or perceived immediate threat; anxiety involves the expectation of future threat. People facing anxiety may withdraw from situations which have provoked anxiety in the past.
> 
> *Anorexia nervosa, often referred to simply as anorexia, is an eating disorder, characterized by low weight, food restriction, fear of gaining weight and a strong desire to be thin. Many people with anorexia see themselves as overweight even though they are, in fact, underweight. They often deny that they have a problem with low weight. They weigh themselves frequently, eat small amounts and only eat certain foods. Some exercise excessively, force themselves to vomit to lose weight. Complications may include osteoporosis, infertility and heart damage, among others. Women will often stop having menstrual periods. In extreme cases, people with anorexia who continually refuse significant dietary intake and weight restoration interventions, and are declared incompetent to make decisions by a psychiatrist, may be fed by force under restraint via nasogastric tube.

_**-Kihyun-** _

Kihyun was a lovely little boy. He was getting along with everyone. He was a bit chubby but everyone around him thought that suited him well. His family was wealthy but not so good in relationships. They weren't so caring and didn't know that their little jokes were messing with Kihyun's mind. His mother was calling him "fatty" sometimes. He was laughing and letting it drop back then. But when he became a teenager, everything started to suffocate him. His family, his friends, school and responsibilities... Everyone thought he was being spoiled. They were always saying "You're rich, you can get anything you want, anytime. Why are you being malcontent?" but they never saw the real problem. The problem was Kihyun was craving attention, peace, freedom and love that he never felt. His family was acting like he is a bird in a golden cage. They never let him do anything he wants without their knowing. He was surrounded by people but still feeling lonely. He was so fragile to the extent that he refuses to let people in, because he was comfortable being like this. On the other hand, he was also feeling emptiness his heart. He was feeling lonely but it weighed him so much. No matter how hard he tried, no one cared about him, never. He felt worthless. Day by day he started to let himself drown in his insecurities. He stopped trying so hard to achieve something because he knew no one would see it anyway. He was hiding his pain through sarcastic remarks, always playing the funny, happy card towards everyone but he was incomplete and that pushed everyone away too. He have lost himself trying to please everyone. Now he was losing everyone while trying to find himself. He wasn't sleeping or eating. The amount of the food he eats in a week was ridiculous. He was the actual definition of living corpse. When you looked at him you'd right away notice his lifeless glance. He was crying out of nowhere at school. His teacher talked with his family about his behaviors. Even for that, his family blamed him for acting like a rebel teen. "You can't achieve anything by crying. You're disgrace for this family. You need to get yourself together and be worthful like your family name." his mother always said to him. He knew all that she cared about was other's talks. If no one hears anything about how they are she'd be okay.

He made new friends but they were dragging him with their troubles. At the age of 13 he started smoking and drinking. He tried to find comfort in unnecessary things. He didn't know he was losing himself even more while getting dragged into trouble. Numbness was hugging him so tight when he wasn't sober but he thought that was the only way to soothe his pain. That was the only way to silence all these voices screaming in his mind and reminding him how pathetic he is. He had just one friend who was worried about him. Kihyun would trust him no matter what because he knew Jooheon would never judge. Jooheon was seeing him right through even if he tries to hide his pain or numbness. They would make long comforting conversations and that was the only time he felt worthful. "I need to get out of the darkness and into the light of the day. I know what I've been missing and I know that I should try but there's no strength in me to overcome everything that's drowning me. The breath I take, tears pooling up in my eyes drowns me every night, I'm crying myself to sleep. I'm sick and tired of being afraid. If I cry anymore, then my tears will wash me away. I feel like everyone's seeing what's beneath my half-hearted smiles. They're pitying on me, I swear that they know I'm worthless." And he cried away. Jooheon hugged him as always as it should be Kihyun knew he was there for him to hold on even if he doesn't say anything. He could clearly remember the time when they met. His family was so religious. Kihyun wasn't that much thinker when it comes to religion. It was early in the Sunday morning. It was always the same. Every Sunday, he was forced to get out of bed for Sunday mass at the church. "I don't want to attend mass with you anymore." he said to his mother. His mother angrily looked at him through mirror "What do you mean? Did I gave you a choice?" she said while brushing her hair. He took a deep breath "I can make my own decisions." he said. When he was making his way to his room to get more sleep his mother dropped her brush with a loud crash on makeup table. "Do I have to tell you twice? I didn't give you a choice. Now, get ready before you make all of us late." Kihyun hated this situation. No one would let him make his own decisions. He got ready with anger boiling up inside of him. He was getting more and more far from God because he wasn't doing all this praying from his heart. When they arrived church he found a way to escape while his mother was distracted by one of her friends. He went to backside of the church. He grabbed a box of cigarettes from his pocket and lit it up with a lighter. He was relieved. All the stress he got from morning was disappearing with the smoke of his cigarette. He felt a tap on his shoulder and that made him drop his cigarette "Jesus, who the hell are you?" he said while trying to take a breath and letting out a smoke. "Why Jesus?" stranger said with a dimple smile. "What?" Kihyun questioned him. "I mean, why did you say Jesus? You're smoking here when everyone's inside for mass." he said. "Oh, that's -uh I'm not into these things you know religion, praying, or God, really" Kihyun said with a half hearted smile. "I'm not into neither, really." he said smiling more to him. Kihyun didn't know that this day was going to be the day when he met his best friend.  
  


* * *

There's a storm on the streets, but he still doesn't run. He's watching and waiting for the rain to come. He starts singing with his beautiful voice " _I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found. Yeah, I think that I might break. Lost myself again, and I feel unsafe."_ He sees Jooheon on the pitch black night. "I won't let you drowned, when the water's pulling you in. I'll keep fighting, I'll keep fighting. The rain's going to follow you wherever you go. When the World surrounds you, I'll make it go away." Jooheon says while his tears washes over his face. The clouds go black and the thunder rolls and He sees lightning. There it is raining over them. He sees rain is melting Jooheon's face and body. Kihyun tries to move but he can't even move his finger. He tries to scream but there is no sound. "I will try to save you." Jooheon says and his voice sounds like a broken record even sounding scary. He sees Jooheon melting more and more with a smile and mixing with the puddle. He drifts away and disappears with rain. Kihyun's finally able to move and speak. He shouts his name, calls for him while desperately searching for him around the streets. His legs give up and when his knees touch the ground, it burns. Floor burns him with an unbearable pain. He tries to get up but he's glued to ground. He got up trying to gather his breath. It was always the same. Same nightmare, always haunting him, leaving him breathless and sleepless. He quickly got up and get to the bathroom to wash his face with cold water to gather himself. He opened the tap and watched the water going down the drain. "Is that how you drain me too?" he thought to himself. Actually that was a question for the voices in his head. One of them was drowning him with his insecurities, one of them was rage but only for himself and one of them was pride. The worst was he had to deal with them all the time at the same time. He stared into the mirror. His collarbones, ribs were visible. "God, I've gained weight again." he said while tracing his fingers over his body which was looking like bag of bones. He knew he was anorexic, he was a doctor after all but he wouldn't tell himself this. He would always see himself as the boy which his mother would call "fatty". It was going to be one of these sleepless day which he's staring into the mirror and talking none sense and hating himself even more. He was diagnosed with insomnia, paranoia and anxiety. He would have difficult time trying to fall asleep when he's all alone with the voices in his head. When he finally falls asleep he would wake up with the same nightmare. It was like he was trapped in a loop where he had to suffer. 

With the light of the day, he wanted to go to church before going to work to clean his mind from the thoughts he got last night. He entered the church, which he hated. Light beam coming from the windows on the ceiling was illuminating Jesus figure which was hanging on the wall. He got closer to the Jesus figure and put his knees on the church pew. He brought up his hands closer to his face "Good God, I've never felt this far from you. I almost feel like giving up again. In my bones, in my blood, there's a sickness I'd change if I could but the fire that rages inside me, erased all the good. Father, help me, do you understand? All my life, I've been a wicked man. Show me mercy and comfort me. I need to find redemption. Amen." he said and when he was getting up "Amen." he heard someone saying and he quickly turned his back. "Amen my friend. I believe the God will show you a way to redemption." preacher said. Kihyun knew he saw him somewhere but he was too busy to think of that while trying to stay calm. "I know you. I saw you while you were leaving the Minhyuk's shop. Why you always look so stressed out?" Preacher asked. Kihyun stared at his face while preacher was looking him with curious eyes. "I-uh, I have to go." Kihyun said rushing out of the church.

**_..._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this one was so special for me. I've always had a soft spot for Kihyun and I wanted to take my time while writing this for him about me. The song that Kihyun sang was Breathe Me by Sia. Hope you enjoyed this chapter too. I've been so busy and I'm still busy. I'll try to add chapters as quickly as I can. Lots of love and hugs. Don't forget to leave kudos!


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